Do I even want to say something before I leave? Why should I? Nobody wanted to hear me when I wanted to talk… now I don’t care if somebody hears or not…yet I write. Maybe some silly romantic notion that some day someone will want to know why I chose to move on.
Although wont it be better to offer no explanation? Let those buggers figure out what drove a seemingly harmless 33 year old to such extreme measures. 33, the magical age where the most talented, departed from the worldly pleasures to an unknown place. Is it the age … has to be…as it definitely can’t be talent…not the ones that you have been used to, don’t want Jesus, Alexander to turn in their graves hearing my whining. The most obvious reason that they would come up with is stress… some gyan giving know it all will say “she couldn’t take it, the stress got to her”. Old friends will say “she should have atleast called us”…really do you guys ever called me? Well, honestly some of you did share stories about your life, your kids, spouses, work and it bored the hell out of me.
Most people who decide to end it all, are termed cowards, there is even a law terming suicide illegal. Many think it’s an escape from a sad life. There are medical terms like clinical depression and shit which always precedes conversation around the same. But can’t it be plain boredom? Yes there is a certain amount of sadness somewhere, but it’s no bigger than most people. Hey, there are people who slog their asses over 40 rupees just to spend it all on local hooch and sleep on the pavement. Can it be sadder than their life? Yeah yeah, it’s sad and very touching…but do I really care… do I have empathy, no…do I have the brains of a Zuckerberg…no, do I have the grit of a Phelps…no, do I have the gumption of a Kardashian…hell no!
If I share this with anyone, I will get a few pep talks, some attention for a few days, my social life will improve for a couple of days…hell I might even get a vacation without my bosses raising an eyebrow…but then it will all be back to the same old story. Then in a few months more, if I do this again, I will be referred to some doctor or new age holistic healer.
In the meanwhile I will desperately wait for some stupid made up sign, trying to figure out some pattern between a loved one and the most terrible phase of self loathing to draw some connection of hope, of a reason to endure on, of a meaning to this extremely mundane thing called life. A point will reach when even these little mind games with self wont matter. The phase of filling up the void with material things, religion, sex, philosophy, new experiences are long gone.
The thought of drawing inspiration from other people, events just seems so flaky… why can’t anyone accept that the shelf life is over...in this supermarket… I have no problems in moving to a new market… a new space… a new environment.
It is like this cruel game of UNO where there are just 2 players who have swapped their cards so that each of them knows the others hand but the game still doesn’t end. But by some irrational code of conduct, you just can’t fling your cards and move on to a new set or even a new game. You have to play till the end. Why?
Well, if you really want to you can… who is stopping you? Maybe you are greedy…maybe you want to have a last laugh… maybe you want some sadistic pleasure in seeing the person who finds it unable to react in the ‘appropriate way’. There is no appropriate way I guess…what would I do if I get this kind of a note… I don’t know… maybe I will rush to the person… and promise to be there throughout and slowly forget it and get caught up in my own life.
Because, the nature of this life is selfishness… you enjoy all the great things and worst things alone. Each person has a purpose to be here, exist, go through some fixed notions and then move on. Why is moving on such a big deal then? Why can’t I move on? What is holding me back? Haven’t I served my purpose… what was it anyways? If I can’t remember, it can’t be that important and if the purpose hasn’t been fulfilled yet, then sorry it won’t be ever.
No do not argue, that the purpose will be revealed once you are ready and till then one must have patience… one must have maturity… blah blah…exactly. I do not give two hoots to your goddamn purpose or patience or maturity… I will take matters into my own hands now. I will force your hand now… do your best… as from now onwards I will do my worse.
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