3rd time lucky?

So this is the 3rd blast in Mumbai which has happened near me… and when I say near I mean near… the first (7/11) where 7 serial blasts send shockwaves across the country….it happened when I took the train home… had left early from work….I had to walk home cursing everybody not knowing what was going on. The next day there were slogans on ‘the spirit of mumbai’. Memories of human sea and panic have added to my claustrophobia.

Next was the 26/11, where the hostage saga carried on for 54 hours … I was shooting in the same locations for a channel id and had unfortunately packed up on time and had just left when we got the call. Memories of widespread media panic-mileage-hype added to my disgust.

The third time is today, 13/7 where 3 blasts again sent the media hype to a zenith. This time my office was nearby the site and yet again this was a day I had chosen to step out from work early. Wonder what memories will plague me this time?

Moral of the story – don’t leave work early, coz I may not be lucky the next time.

Whistleblower…who lost the whistle!

What do you do when you chance upon an explosive piece of information that can stir things up in an already chaotic environment? Do you believe in your own luck or start questioning it…do you share it with anyone… or sit on it till the time is ripe… how do you know that the time is ripe anyways?

If you have any sense of morality, you approach the authorities and let fate/law take its own course of action…what do you do if your morality needs a crash course in counseling? Do you drown yourself in the elixir of life or rummage through tech handbooks for that button camera?

If you are yours truly, you very lamely present it to the top brass without any corroborating evidence and hope that the genius of your luck sandblasts the film of mediocrity coursing through your veins…failing which there is always the infinite digital space to rant and rave!

But what if that explosive piece explodes into nothing more than a whimper and hushed even further by watchdogs of the corrupt? Do sit back and lament how your luck has run out or how you were not smart enough to cash in or how you had no morals that your conscience didn’t even prick a teeny weeny bit?

Nah! You just move on… put everything in perspective and give in to fate! Or post an ambiguous status on Facebook? Or buy a real whistle like me?

Selfish Little

In a country like India were poverty is always on the rise it hurts to see so much of food grain rot in the rains.
You know what... read it in the papers this morning ....makes me wonder why nobody is giving any importance to it... Jessica Lall was murdered and thousands of people who were not affected by her murder directly stayed up all night and lit candles and it felt good to see so many of us mobilizing towards the greater good of the society....but it’s the same janta which is least bothered with all these food grains rotting away....something which affects us directly....will it take a murder of a beautiful lady for us to start a movement again?? Why can’t all of us FB empowered netizens start something a little more worthwhile instead of self indulgent status messages...can we??
But what can we exactly do?? Start another Candle Lit March towards the gateway? Or start a Pink Chaddi campaign?
Well, since I am like the rest of the population who likes armchair theories and couch preaching as well… and don’t have a cause in which I believe in … I can jot down few steps
Option 1:
We all can start a long discussion and hope that it generates enough buzz to come to the notice of sensible and self motivated people who will actually do something about it
Our Fyada: - we will feel good about one little thing and if this movement gains importance we can brag about it to our grandkids someday
Option 2:
We all start a long discussion and urge people to take out some time from their busy and hectic life to start a letter addressed to Ashok Gulati, Director, FCI, who says that "The total storage capacity is 28 million tonnes ... this leads to losses of 10 – 15 per cent. Translate this into value... that is 6 million tonnes of grains damaged, unfit for human consumption ... it amounts to Rs 8,000 to Rs 10,000 crores annually." We mark a copy to the Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh, Minister of Agriculture and Minister of Consumer Affairs, Food & Public Distribution Mr. Sharad Pawar, Minister of Home Affairs Mr. P. Chidambaram. The creative ones amongst us can put together a nice power point presentation and the hard working sincere types can research the facts and figures for it. The enterprising ones can follow up with the above mentioned people to see whether they have read said draft. The ones in media can slyly slip a draft into the editorial meeting and the ad guys can maybe take a dig or so in one their copies.
Our Fyada: Since we are using our core competencies and not leaving our armchairs, we can chat with our friends while doing this. Also, we can splurge on dal and rice and not eat spend agonizing hours wondering what to order for lunch which is healthy, tasty and doesn’t pinch the pockets also… we are after all saving up for that Jimmy Choos and that Tag Heuer. It’s still an inspiring story for the grandkids (kids will listen to anything).
So what will we choose?

Dwarfed by Arzee

I have always believed that when a character is created, the inspiration comes from someone real. It could be a friend, an acquaintance, a neighbor or it could be the self.
After reading Arzee the Dwarf written by Chandrahas Choudhury, I am sure that there exists a real Arzee….has to… how can anyone describe a fictional character so real…that if you turn your head, you can actually see him walking past your window, head bowed low muttering to himself. You almost leave your book and start following to hear what he is muttering about… is he making excuses to give to Deepakbhai … that quintessential honcho from the slums …or is he planning to trick Phiroz into playing the Babur himself.
Arzee’s dilemma is as real as the character… no saving the world or becoming a superhero…but getting a raise and marrying a decent girl …that’s all what Arzee wants… but does he get it… is it a happy ending… we will never know…like we don’t know in real life… Chandrahas weaves the plot as gently as he could …never going far from the main character… always seeing things from his perspective.
How many times we are subjected to prose that talks to us through other characters to take the story forward and we all believe that it is essential so that the reader is not bored and there can be some variety …but who needs variety when the central character is so strong. We don’t miss seeing the secondary characters perspective …but we would have liked to know a little bit more about Mobin, Arzee’s brother and Shireen.
No one makes such profound statements anymore...at least in writing...sample this "Love is the true home of the imagination. Requited love is the paradise raised from nothing but a pair of synchronized imaginations!". This sentence defines what the book is.
From the way Arzee the Dwarf was written, I am but waiting for the next book by the author. However, I do believe that this debut novel is not the only piece of published work. If I am not mistaken, a collection of middles was published by the same author and the famous Grandfather and Cronies were created. I’m sure if I search through my haphazardly arranged piles of books I will be able to trace a copy out; which goes to show that the initial days of writing which was greatly influenced by the great P. G. Wodehouse has metamorphosed into a prose full of humour, pathos and delightful vocabulary.

Labour Pains!

Ever wondered about the mysteries of life and death and how various cultures deal with it. Some cultures celebrate death and give the departed soul the best party ever. Others are thoughtful enough to pack all the essential items with the corpse for their last journey. For the wondrous moment of new life, people donate their fortune to the less fortunate ones, some light up the newborn’s life with Cigars; others do elaborate rituals to please their Gods.
Such various customs and culture specific rituals must have been duly noticed and noted down by some anthropologist for their research/thesis work which the common junta ignores generally ignores… imagine reading about such useless info when the antics of our cricketers, movie stars and wannabe reality stars are much more juicer…but I digress.
If someone is an avid Bollywood fan and has grown up in the eighties where Bollywood followed the tried and tested formula of revenge, then they might have inkling to the ambiguous meandering of my mind. Sample this…
The father has been killed (or confined) by the bad guys and the wife who somehow escapes from the den of the bad guys and runs away not because she can’t bear the torture (or lecherous stares of the extras) but she has to give birth to the hero of the film so that he can avenge the family and have a happy ending. Regular fare…some even went on to become hits …but that one scene…where the hero is actually born….it’s supposed to be a very dramatic one… and is often depicted as dark… with rain and thunderstorm and the wails of the pregnant mother who thrashes about so much that the art director must have a standby set ready just in case. The ‘mother’ is drenched in sweat and tears roll down her eyes and the scene seems so long that you automatically start praying for the baby to come out so that the movie can go on…
But why do our filmmakers depict childbirth in such morbid and melancholy way… why is the beginning of child birth always associated with the mother wishing that she was a monk?
In comparison, American film and TV (which is so cool…not to be ignored) rarely projects child birth in such dejected and macabre way unless the plot requires it. It will then be an exception, not the norm.
Is it something to do with the healthcare policies of both the nations… one is developed where all its citizens have basic rights to medical facilities and do not view the process of childbirth as that big a deal, while the other is still struggling to provide basic facilities for the expectant mother. Girls grow up dreading the process of childbirth and with convoluted theories of sex … Agreed schools nowadays have sex education, but imagine how many years of viewing the agony of childbirth in popular cinema is etched in a girls mind….can a textbook with 100 marks of test marks erase that imagery from the easily impressionable mind?
For a nation with more than a billion headcount…that’s a lot of labour pain.

Karthik Calling China

Finally Indian cinema has come of age… for we have finally started to acknowledge the impact of our tyrannical neighbors on our psyche. We have made an entire move all of 2 hrs some odd min to espouse the characteristics of a foreign made electronic instrument! Now that’s what I really call a great idea… who wants to watch wishy-washy sob stories of estranged families or revenge dramas or candy floss romances.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved this movie… it was shot well, acting was good and the music also left its mark… a well rounded off production… the story was actually ‘hatke’ ….but (ther is always a but isn’t ther ;)) I personally found it hard to believe that the main protagonist was a Chinese telephone (there…I’ve given the whole story away) and cant stop thinking about all the various spoofs that can be made… remembering my comedy show days… I should call Varun and tell him to spoof this on Jay Hind!

Only 1493 Tigers left… Save the man!

The ad says Only 1493 Tigers left… save the tiger… but I say there are only 1129 Men left… who is going to save them?
What only 1129 Men…aren’t we a one billion plus country…well yeah…but where are the men?
The dozen that I know don’t constitute a man…. 7 percent are automations….they are programmed to get up and go to work and then party after work. No No, it’s not a new age phenomenon… this robotization of man… you can see it all the way through their lives. They were wired to be automations right from their birth…they went to school, college, professional college, work, marriage, kids, etc like clockwork… it was as if their meter was on since the time they were born.
Many don’t even question the purpose of being in this rat race… they are busy making investment plans for the future, not realizing that the future that they are seeking will always lie …well in the future.
Who will save the man?

Pink Chaddi Campaign

Consortium of Pub-going, Loose and Forward Women or the Pink Chaddi Campaign is a brilliant Idea.... I read about the campaign today in the papers and by night, all major news channels had jumped into the foray and we could see reporters waving pink chaddis in their piece to cameras (PTC)...however, the hapless reporter was as clueless as the average mumbaikar who usually does not follow whatever is happening in other lesser cosmopolitan places...read Mangalore.

However, the netizens of India are all for this campaign... they have signed on to facebook, have commented on the blog and have set their gtalk status to reflect the recent happenings of the chaddi... the latest breaking news from the chaddi buddies was that the pink chaddis were pouring in all the collection centres and the perverted courier boys were having a field day...

Here is a report from our very own Mrs Sharma (my source for all info...be it crime, sales, bollywood gupshup, cricket or stock tips...she has the news first)

Mrs Sharma: Err, can I drop my panties...sorry chaddis...

Courier Boy: yes yes maidum...we are always willing to give a hand ...

Mrs Sharma (shocked): What???

Courier Boy: maidum, we will help you drop the chaddis right here, right now

Mrs Sharma (still shocked): haaaiiii ram, kya kalyug aa gaya.... koi respect hi nahin hai...main tumhari maa ki umar ki hoon

Courier Boy (unfazed): Maidum, koi baat nahin... we take all sizes... there is no problem if chaddis are big... infact I say the bigger the better, I will have to use a bigger packing... good for my daily report maidumji, I may even get promotion....

Mrs Sharma: arrey chup, nalaik...tumhare gharwale tumhe yeh seekhate hai... main toh yahan aayi thi pink chaddi bhejne, aur mujhe kaise pevert mil gaya...I better go...

Courier Boy: lekin maidum, where you going, you didnt drop your pink chaddis yet...what they are not pink...do not worry maidum, we have instructions to collect other colours also, but my boss has said that other colours will be packed in different boxes, he is planning to sell them to the ruling party... who in turn can sell them back to us citizens so that we can run maybe a blue chaddi campaign for the dalit movement, green chaddi campaign for the minority and a red chaddi campaign for the left parties. Infact maidumji, dont tell anyone, but I have started pinching off a few panties now and then, especially the lacy ones, to Lovely Blouse Centre, in Ghatkopar (east). They were thinking of expanding their business into underwear but because of the recession, they have shelved this idea... but thanks to these Pub-going, Loose and Forward Women, this business will start soon, I have bought 20% partnership in Lovely Blouse Centre and I think my career will get a push-up.

Mrs Sharma (disappointed): well then, all the best....

Well, thank you Mrs Sharma for the lovely ...err... word by word account... I guess I should go through my wardrobe and empty all the chaddis that have been collecting dust... hey one more reason to go shopping and then meeting my frenz for some drinks later on... who is getting the beer...hic

DEV.D

DEV.D, a much awaited movie... got to see it last night... it was really amazing.... liked the much famed trippy shots that Anurag had used (thanks to Danny Boyle)... the disclaimer (I want to call it disclaimer rather than front credits...as it warns us this is not the classic adapted for cinema) says that it is loosely inspired by the book devdas by Sarat Chandra Chattopadhyay...
However, No smoking had kind od raised the bar for me and I was waiting to be blown away...which didnt happen...although Abhay Deol did get blown away quite a few times in the movie!
It is not a movie which one can go expecting to be entertained, but it is a movie which raises questions and self doubt, a hallmark of all Anurag Kashyap films. The music was great, even the background score --- it was apt for the situation and not for a moment did it feel out of place or unnecessary... the acting was superb by all three... Abhay Deol shone and has left all other actors fighting for the King status long behind...
The story was interpreted in the modern day setting...with all the highs and lows that come with binging, drugs and sex. The characters were very real and the dialogues very apt for the story line. However, I am not very amused by the audience which came to the theatre to be titialated....it shows that even though Devdas as a character had adapted to the modern scenario, the audience still needs to grow up.
Well, I want to write more, but I have a shoot to finish (was writing this review inbetween costume changes) and besides I am too tired... havent slept in the last 48 hours...

... will continue in the next break ....hopefully

To the Revolution

Here's a poem that a very good friend and writer wrote, on India's 57th Republic Day, on 26th January 2006, trying to capture and criticize the new world order of terror and war; a scenario our generation was hitherto unaware of...
I think 3 years down the line, this poem is even more relevant today ... Thanks Varun for letting me use it...

Hey…did you kill me…
in the name of the revolution?
Did you tell me,
The name of the revolution..?
I was a boy, growing up easy,
It was a world, simple and rosy…
"Rosy?", you said, "rosy my foot,"
"Nothing's rosy anymore, life's a brute
"Yeah, life's a brute, 'cos I was dead,
in the name of the revolution.
But….did you tell me,
The name of the revolution..?
And did you tell them,
I am a martyr…?
Did you tell them,
What's a martyr?
Did you tell them,
How I am one?
Did you tell them,
Their own son….…
picked up the gun, and killed two,
In the name of the revolution..?
And did they ask,
The name of the revolution?
To heaven, I would go…
I heard it once,
Yeah, I could hear,
Amid the firing guns,
That heaven is for those,
Who have the gun,
(And a 'resolution')
Then why did I feel,
Five bullets inside my head,
'To hell with the revolution?'
And please, What's the name of the revolution?

The Great Indian Nostalgia

At the creative discussion for concepts, an assistant producer claimed to successfully manage and produce a spoof show. While I was giving him gyaan oh how difficult it is to do comedy shows, I could not stop myself from thinking about "The Great Indian Comedy Show", which I had the honour of working for once. One thing led to another and after countless stories on the show I pulled out the following mail sent by Varun Grover (one of the writers and a good friend) and I thought that I should put the article here for immortality in cyber space.

So here goes, as well as successive replies & musings by the other writers...

End of an era - Varun Grover

My first impression was – It’s an arrogant show! Calling oneself ‘Great’ even before its launch was not a very Indian thing to do…a marketing ploy which read every bit American tabloid. So, almost conclusively, I thought that it’s going to bomb.

Skipped the first few weeks, more due to lack of resources (a cable connection!) than interest…but one fine day, watched something where a Shahrukh Khan kind of a guy sitting in a truck, alongside a Makrand Deshpande kind of a guy (beat that!), was shaking to the Swades song and eliciting rotten eggs, combs and other household items from Mak’s unruly hair. I was amused in an intelligent sort of a way and…the show had begun for me!

Over the next few months, the awe grew; the gags struck a regular chord and some of the standups, especially by Ranvir and Vinay sounded a welcome-bell for elitist setup-punch routines on Indian television. Kukurmati ki Kahaani, Cow-Mundas (“Meri life da horse two seater nahin, one-seater hai Shabbo” and “Howdy oye!”), Office Supplies (Kiku in drags, for the first time I guess, in what was to be a series of alternate clothing for him on the show), Ramesh and the mill-worker’s dialogues, and many more yet-unseen situations and interpretations became the hallmark of the show.

During the initial 6-months or so, it looked more like an underground show, with taboo themes, niche clientele and a wackiness of its own defining. Educated working class, the new India of Bangalore and Gurgaon was raving about it. (I doubt the Channel ever came to know of it!) It was the kind of show which gave lots to discuss over a coffee or sutta during office hour breaks and hence, in a very targeted way, it did become the ‘talk of the town’ pretty soon.

Then, sometime in July 2005, the word ‘massy’ entered our lingo. (Plain incidental – me and Rahul joined the show in July, same day as Shekhar Suman did.) Shekhar Suman tried to bridge that gap, the gap between massy and classy, and I reckon, he did a good job for some months. The gags were still not too ‘easy’ or ‘dumbed-down’ but the Standups became more ‘Hindi’. Some of the software guys in India and America (yes, the show was a big hit on American peer sites and later at youtube) felt cheated but still, the gags were a joy to watch. During this 7-month period, Mangal Pandey, Black, Dus and Tarantino’s Kill Bill were spoofed and goofed at. For a brief period, around November-December, the magic balance seemed to be close-at-hand. Diwali standup, Children’s day standup, New Year’s week special standups (with special focus on Sports, Movies, Politics and Society) complimented the gags amazingly.

Shekhar left, amidst some celebrations from some quarters (with some good reason too) but what followed was even more set-away from the original ‘target’ (or it seemed like) of the show. The Great Indian Laughter Challenge (‘Phool, jo bann gaya Angaara’) gave us a tough branding competition, and (no) thanks to its mass-approach, we were constantly losing ground since late 2005. And in February 2006, they came over.

Last one year of TGICS is really tough to document…such a turbulent phase it was. It was almost like a whole class at a college nearing its graduation. Lots of job opportunities, planning for future, students interning outside campus, Professors looking on glum, nostalgia evoking restlessness and changing schedules of classes owing to administrative confusion. The original ‘arrogant’ tint was gone. It was no more called ‘Great’ or even ‘Indian’, and it had an added sound-effect in its name. TCS - Ha Ha Ha was another attempt at bringing in those who we euphemistically call TRPs.

And surprisingly, or should I say ‘not surprisingly’, the show retained its charm, insight, and irreverent streak against the high-and-mighty all through its run. There were very few days while watching the show when being associated with it didn’t feel like a blessing. The quality provided by the production team, actors and directors makes it a genius-gone-less-noticed. Having a team of writers like RD (our KBC insider!), Mahesh, Arshad, Amit Masurkar, and Dushant and creative heads like Sailesh, Rajesh Devraj, and now Sudarshan gave the show its own course, after every course-distraction by the forces.

It does give a Gurudutt-ish pleasure to know that your masterpiece didn’t get the appreciation or ‘rockstar’ status even after surpassing the benchmark a thousand times; it does, in a twisted-intelligent kind of way, prove that you belong to that less-than-5-percent bracket of intellectuals who can laugh on themselves, their country, their society, their heroes…anybody who is fallible. But then, as the curtains fall, it does hurt too. What could have been a really GREAT INDIAN COMEDY SHOW fell just short on numbers!

Thanks for making me understand the arrogance….and thanks for making this show a memory of a lifetime.

Arshad Sayeed's Reply

vonderfully vell vritten Varun!...
Read your take and got ''pressurized' into writing something....

But seriously(if there is such a word in these Star News times), I really dont know what to write about. So many memories man!...so many..... as hilarious as the stuff on our show..and most of it came from the channel .:

Like the mail we got from the channel when we started out which said that we cannot insult Mr. George Bush because he has an 'integral association' with Rupert Murdoch who owns Star which owns us..... Basically we were told not to be Namak Haraams!

" Please Dont Spoof Mr Bachchan... (Wait a minute... he's not doing the third season of KBC??.. Damn him! ) Ya go ahead and take his pants off!! Like you do with other stars( What??..SRK is the new face??.And RD is writing???) ..except Shahrukh Khan....and Karan Johar..and Simi Garewal!!...

TV spoofs??...Sure!!!!.... Great idea!... But dont spoof any show on Star.. We dont want to make fun of our shows. And also dont spoof any show which is NOT on Star. We dont want to promote them un nessarily.. Apart from this...go and kill everything on TV! (DD Podigha anyone??)

Do not take celeb names!! They may sue us.. (A gag mentioned Kim Sharma. The EPs brought it up before Sameer Nair and just as he was being explained how its not a good thing to take the names of stars like Kim Sharma, he turned around and asked "Er...ya but...who's Kim Sharma??")

And how about this one? When I did Kukurmati...it was supposed to run five times a week.....(During our five day run).... But Ekta saw it and got offended. Result??..Paanch ke badle haftey mein teen baar.!!.... Which basically meant its ok to piss her off three times a week but not five times! Go figure. Strange are the ways of the Channel!

But guys...Despite all the battles and frustrations....and the 0.5 ratings.....(.Which basically means that India as a whole doesnt acknowledge your show...they'd rather watch Ba blow candles on her 420th birthday cake followed by a five episode arti), a channel which well....treated us as an idiot kid yelling for attention who should best be ignored (which was good) or periodicaly be shown how to grow up by the LC boys (Which was not so good).., or the whole TV industry with its comments like : Achcha hai.....Par niche hai... Massy nahin hai...madness ke badle masti hona chahiye..... (Yes KSandeep Sikand! That means you!!) , I feel we made our mark.

We've created a whole new kind of humor. Even if its the 0.5 variety. The impact has been made. And its there to be seen during coffee table conversations, ads on TV and even movies. Vinay's character in Bheja Fry was almost straight out of one our gags!...And the film is a hit!. We have made a difference and we all deserve a pat on our back for it. (Including a huge bonus cheque of fifty lakhs from Abhimanyu) .

Duniya maane ya na maane, we believe in what we've done. Guys...lets keep this brand of humor banner flying high, in whatever we do... (and hopefully some of it will we will all do together. Har raat ke baad subah types...) ....

Yes. We are amongst the Five percent Varun talks about. And to think that we will influence/change the way the remaining 95 percent thinks, is as impossible as Celina Jaitley winning a national award (This one might happen though!).... The divide will remain...we'll continue to be low raters in what we do...(All except RD who will go onto write KBC four for Hrithik!).... But do not despair!!!... Hopefully one day God will finally GET one of our gags and work a miracle and good television shall prevail!

I end with a Ghalib quote which sort of sums it up for me.

"De Aur Bhi Dil Unko.....Jo Na De Mujhko Zubaan Aur" (rather than give us more wit...give them the bloody sense to understand it!)
"Kehte Hain Ki TGICS Ka Hai (Tha?) Andaaze Bayaan Aur"

Cheers!! Keep in tuch!!...and please please please take good care of yourselves!!!

One show that I am very proud of... cant help feeling happy (being a part of it), sad (not being a part of it anymore), sorry (the show coming to an end) all at the same time. I guess this is how you define nostalgia.

Heroes

I love Heroes... of all kinds, shapes and sizes... who wouldn't...but the thing which has caught my fancy rite now is Heroes the show -season 2. I am amazed at the kind of effort that goes into the show... with so many characters, so many locations, etc... it must be a nightmare top produce it but if the end product is this good then it is worth all the effort.

But then, I keep on wondering which of these heroes would I like to be if I get an oppurtunity... Hiro is the first person that comes to my mind... not because he is soooooo cute with his innocence of saving the world and being a superhero.

Then comes sylar... the bad ones always leave a lasting impression. Then comes Monica... there is something about copycats with us Indians, so she scores more than Peter Petrelli and others... Hey I wud even love to get into somebodys mind and read their thoughts... on second thoughts no... it would drive me crazy!

Till the next episode of Heroes then,