Is the Big O overrated?

This should be the current question plaguing the minds of Mumbaikars rather than replacing Bombay by Mumbai or who is going to win the IPL this season.

Seriously, the pressure to experience the big O is so big that one doesn’t tend to enjoy the process of reaching there. Especially when the big O doesn’t last more than 15 sec…all this fuss for 15 sec?? C’mon gimme a break now… are you serious? 15 sec?? Well if the experts say then it must be so… but I seriously can’t take too much trouble for it…there I have said it. If that makes me an outcast, so be it, I rather join the miniscule number of people who don’t think the big O matters more than the whole journey to it. I am a firm believer of the journey being more important than the destination.

And the side stories of reaching the destination can seriously give any a sitcom run for its money. There was this bloke who was so eager that his lady love reach the destination that he kept on urging her to think about her ex if that is what made her reach there faster. Needless to say that the weirdness of the situation made the poor gal palpitate making the bloke think that the trick worked. Now he keeps on repeating the magic formula when ever things get sluggish. The poor gal’s dilemma doesn’t end there. On one hand she wanted to move on in life that was exactly the reason why she was with this bloke, but the guy was not letting her get past her memories. She ended up faking it, like always, like most of us. Some might even argue that the girl needs to be expressive and articulate her needs, but have you never heard of those breeds with selective hearing...they are called men.

Is it this pressure then that makes us fake it or is it really not worth it. How does one answer this honestly if all your skills, efforts and concentration are focused on not getting caught, when all you want is, it to end, so that you can light up and say wow, that was great! Then say a small prayer hoping that you don’t get caught. This is a tried and tested formula adopted by the sisterhood all over the world, but there is a slight catch to this formula as well. What if, an encore is requested, do you claim exhaustion (but women have more stamina, it has been proved, at least in such situations) or grin and bear it.

When can we have men that understand that the whole idea of good lovemaking is in the mind and not below the belt? Then if we do have such men around us, wouldn’t it give us sleepless nights to figure out whether we like him for his romantic illusions or for his skills under the sheets. Uff, more pressure, can we not have 2 clearly different kinds so as to make our lives easier… what’s with the demarcation …why can’t we have all of the above in one person… coz such a man is a myth. We just have to deal with it. Or explore other horizons.

The Great Indian Nostalgia

At the creative discussion for concepts, an assistant producer claimed to successfully manage and produce a spoof show. While I was giving him gyaan oh how difficult it is to do comedy shows, I could not stop myself from thinking about "The Great Indian Comedy Show", which I had the honour of working for once. One thing led to another and after countless stories on the show I pulled out the following mail sent by Varun Grover (one of the writers and a good friend) and I thought that I should put the article here for immortality in cyber space.

So here goes, as well as successive replies & musings by the other writers...

End of an era - Varun Grover

My first impression was – It’s an arrogant show! Calling oneself ‘Great’ even before its launch was not a very Indian thing to do…a marketing ploy which read every bit American tabloid. So, almost conclusively, I thought that it’s going to bomb.

Skipped the first few weeks, more due to lack of resources (a cable connection!) than interest…but one fine day, watched something where a Shahrukh Khan kind of a guy sitting in a truck, alongside a Makrand Deshpande kind of a guy (beat that!), was shaking to the Swades song and eliciting rotten eggs, combs and other household items from Mak’s unruly hair. I was amused in an intelligent sort of a way and…the show had begun for me!

Over the next few months, the awe grew; the gags struck a regular chord and some of the standups, especially by Ranvir and Vinay sounded a welcome-bell for elitist setup-punch routines on Indian television. Kukurmati ki Kahaani, Cow-Mundas (“Meri life da horse two seater nahin, one-seater hai Shabbo” and “Howdy oye!”), Office Supplies (Kiku in drags, for the first time I guess, in what was to be a series of alternate clothing for him on the show), Ramesh and the mill-worker’s dialogues, and many more yet-unseen situations and interpretations became the hallmark of the show.

During the initial 6-months or so, it looked more like an underground show, with taboo themes, niche clientele and a wackiness of its own defining. Educated working class, the new India of Bangalore and Gurgaon was raving about it. (I doubt the Channel ever came to know of it!) It was the kind of show which gave lots to discuss over a coffee or sutta during office hour breaks and hence, in a very targeted way, it did become the ‘talk of the town’ pretty soon.

Then, sometime in July 2005, the word ‘massy’ entered our lingo. (Plain incidental – me and Rahul joined the show in July, same day as Shekhar Suman did.) Shekhar Suman tried to bridge that gap, the gap between massy and classy, and I reckon, he did a good job for some months. The gags were still not too ‘easy’ or ‘dumbed-down’ but the Standups became more ‘Hindi’. Some of the software guys in India and America (yes, the show was a big hit on American peer sites and later at youtube) felt cheated but still, the gags were a joy to watch. During this 7-month period, Mangal Pandey, Black, Dus and Tarantino’s Kill Bill were spoofed and goofed at. For a brief period, around November-December, the magic balance seemed to be close-at-hand. Diwali standup, Children’s day standup, New Year’s week special standups (with special focus on Sports, Movies, Politics and Society) complimented the gags amazingly.

Shekhar left, amidst some celebrations from some quarters (with some good reason too) but what followed was even more set-away from the original ‘target’ (or it seemed like) of the show. The Great Indian Laughter Challenge (‘Phool, jo bann gaya Angaara’) gave us a tough branding competition, and (no) thanks to its mass-approach, we were constantly losing ground since late 2005. And in February 2006, they came over.

Last one year of TGICS is really tough to document…such a turbulent phase it was. It was almost like a whole class at a college nearing its graduation. Lots of job opportunities, planning for future, students interning outside campus, Professors looking on glum, nostalgia evoking restlessness and changing schedules of classes owing to administrative confusion. The original ‘arrogant’ tint was gone. It was no more called ‘Great’ or even ‘Indian’, and it had an added sound-effect in its name. TCS - Ha Ha Ha was another attempt at bringing in those who we euphemistically call TRPs.

And surprisingly, or should I say ‘not surprisingly’, the show retained its charm, insight, and irreverent streak against the high-and-mighty all through its run. There were very few days while watching the show when being associated with it didn’t feel like a blessing. The quality provided by the production team, actors and directors makes it a genius-gone-less-noticed. Having a team of writers like RD (our KBC insider!), Mahesh, Arshad, Amit Masurkar, and Dushant and creative heads like Sailesh, Rajesh Devraj, and now Sudarshan gave the show its own course, after every course-distraction by the forces.

It does give a Gurudutt-ish pleasure to know that your masterpiece didn’t get the appreciation or ‘rockstar’ status even after surpassing the benchmark a thousand times; it does, in a twisted-intelligent kind of way, prove that you belong to that less-than-5-percent bracket of intellectuals who can laugh on themselves, their country, their society, their heroes…anybody who is fallible. But then, as the curtains fall, it does hurt too. What could have been a really GREAT INDIAN COMEDY SHOW fell just short on numbers!

Thanks for making me understand the arrogance….and thanks for making this show a memory of a lifetime.

Arshad Sayeed's Reply

vonderfully vell vritten Varun!...
Read your take and got ''pressurized' into writing something....

But seriously(if there is such a word in these Star News times), I really dont know what to write about. So many memories man!...so many..... as hilarious as the stuff on our show..and most of it came from the channel .:

Like the mail we got from the channel when we started out which said that we cannot insult Mr. George Bush because he has an 'integral association' with Rupert Murdoch who owns Star which owns us..... Basically we were told not to be Namak Haraams!

" Please Dont Spoof Mr Bachchan... (Wait a minute... he's not doing the third season of KBC??.. Damn him! ) Ya go ahead and take his pants off!! Like you do with other stars( What??..SRK is the new face??.And RD is writing???) ..except Shahrukh Khan....and Karan Johar..and Simi Garewal!!...

TV spoofs??...Sure!!!!.... Great idea!... But dont spoof any show on Star.. We dont want to make fun of our shows. And also dont spoof any show which is NOT on Star. We dont want to promote them un nessarily.. Apart from this...go and kill everything on TV! (DD Podigha anyone??)

Do not take celeb names!! They may sue us.. (A gag mentioned Kim Sharma. The EPs brought it up before Sameer Nair and just as he was being explained how its not a good thing to take the names of stars like Kim Sharma, he turned around and asked "Er...ya but...who's Kim Sharma??")

And how about this one? When I did Kukurmati...it was supposed to run five times a week.....(During our five day run).... But Ekta saw it and got offended. Result??..Paanch ke badle haftey mein teen baar.!!.... Which basically meant its ok to piss her off three times a week but not five times! Go figure. Strange are the ways of the Channel!

But guys...Despite all the battles and frustrations....and the 0.5 ratings.....(.Which basically means that India as a whole doesnt acknowledge your show...they'd rather watch Ba blow candles on her 420th birthday cake followed by a five episode arti), a channel which well....treated us as an idiot kid yelling for attention who should best be ignored (which was good) or periodicaly be shown how to grow up by the LC boys (Which was not so good).., or the whole TV industry with its comments like : Achcha hai.....Par niche hai... Massy nahin hai...madness ke badle masti hona chahiye..... (Yes KSandeep Sikand! That means you!!) , I feel we made our mark.

We've created a whole new kind of humor. Even if its the 0.5 variety. The impact has been made. And its there to be seen during coffee table conversations, ads on TV and even movies. Vinay's character in Bheja Fry was almost straight out of one our gags!...And the film is a hit!. We have made a difference and we all deserve a pat on our back for it. (Including a huge bonus cheque of fifty lakhs from Abhimanyu) .

Duniya maane ya na maane, we believe in what we've done. Guys...lets keep this brand of humor banner flying high, in whatever we do... (and hopefully some of it will we will all do together. Har raat ke baad subah types...) ....

Yes. We are amongst the Five percent Varun talks about. And to think that we will influence/change the way the remaining 95 percent thinks, is as impossible as Celina Jaitley winning a national award (This one might happen though!).... The divide will remain...we'll continue to be low raters in what we do...(All except RD who will go onto write KBC four for Hrithik!).... But do not despair!!!... Hopefully one day God will finally GET one of our gags and work a miracle and good television shall prevail!

I end with a Ghalib quote which sort of sums it up for me.

"De Aur Bhi Dil Unko.....Jo Na De Mujhko Zubaan Aur" (rather than give us more wit...give them the bloody sense to understand it!)
"Kehte Hain Ki TGICS Ka Hai (Tha?) Andaaze Bayaan Aur"

Cheers!! Keep in tuch!!...and please please please take good care of yourselves!!!

One show that I am very proud of... cant help feeling happy (being a part of it), sad (not being a part of it anymore), sorry (the show coming to an end) all at the same time. I guess this is how you define nostalgia.

And She Lived Happily Ever After

The story in this post was actually used in http://www.solitaryreaping.blogspot.com/ by a very dear friend.

I am posting it here as I think that it is my story. Thanks Ragini ;)

The story goes:Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said: 'NO!' And the girl lived happily ever after.She went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

Wanted Convent educated tall, fair, slim, homely Girl.

Wanted Convent educated tall, fair, slim, homely Girl.

Every time somebody starts the topic of marriage I can’t help but remember the above headline in the matrimonial columns in every newspaper.

I dread the day when I will be reduced to such a headline…the possibilities are enormous and I say a small prayer every morning when I read the classifieds and don’t see my name or description featured in it.

It’s become a daily battle now to avoid the topic of marriage. Invariable someone or the other brings up the topic and everybody deems me the unfortunate victim, someone who has been passed on and will never know the pleasure of married life. In the same sentence they will crib about their own spouse or married life, but hey that’s another topic, they say.

From relatives and friends with whom I have not spoken to over a decade, all have the same concern or wish… to see me married. So that they can all say in chorus “Another one bites the dust”. It’s as if all the married people in the world are raging a silent war against the single population and they will not rest unless we join the fraternity, unless we pledge alliance to the secret society of unrealized expectations and everlasting nagging.

Why cant they leave me alone, I am big enough to decide whether to tie the knot or not. My Mom has a rejoinder to this “you will always be a kid for us”. I have a counter argument for this “then let me be a kid, why are you trying to get me married, it will amount to child marriage and the laws are against this”. But it doesn’t work with her.

Now my friends have taken a different approach. One wants me to jot down the qualities that I need in my man so that she can go about looking for one. I understand that in the globalized country of ours, it’s easy to find everything under one roof (read shopping mall), but isn’t this taking it too far. But she insists on the list, blissfully enjoying her newly wed status.

Well, Mousumi, I have never refused you…so here is the list.

1. Wit
2. Looks
3. Money
4. Career
5. Body (6 packs are a must…if SRK has it, I want it)
6. Guy should own orange pajamas (kinky pleasureJ)
7. Have a political opinion (if it matches mine, that’s great…but even if it doesn’t-no problem, but should have one… most people I meet don’t have any political opinion of their own, they echo what their peers or family says)
8. Read books…fiction (so that I can borrow and gift him some…it’s the best gift idea!)
9. Watch movies with the same passion as me (here the tastes have to match mine…can’t be with somebody who didn’t think No Smoking was not a great movie.)
10. Enjoy animated stuff with as much passion as me especially Shrek series.
11. Is a foodie, someone who lives to eat and is adventurous with food, since I also need a guinea pig for my cooking experiments
12. Has a passion for travel…andamans, north east, backwaters, ladakh, rajasthan, macchu pichhu, etc
13. Has the time and money to go on such trips with me
14. Should be in love with both the sea and the mountains
15. Should not like Madhuri, Aishwariya and Kareena (cant stand them)
16. Should have a flair for making inane conversations complete with sound effect and animated actions
17. Should understand my jokes
18. Should have Carpe Diem as his philosophy or at least understand the same.
19. Should not be protective or possessive about me
20. Should not talk to me for more than 2 hours in a day
21. Should not be messy
22. Should not throw things on the road
23. Should not encourage beggars
24. Should not avoid embarrassing friends after getting drunk
25. Should not be sober all the time
26. Should not be a drunk all the time
27. Should have tried on various things at least once in life like bhang, grass, etc.
28. Should actually enjoy good alcohol and not be a social drinker only
29. Should have pet peeves
30. Should be independent
31. Should not be mama’s boy
32. Should have loads of friends and actually enjoy being with them
33. Should have at least one major relationship (takes the pressure off me)
34. Should know how to jive (so that I can also shake a leg)
35. Should be active (one lazybones is enough, read me)
36. Should be practical
37. Should be impractical
38. Should be romantic without being mushy
39. Should be metrosexual (getting regular manicure, pedicure and facials is not a bad thing but not more than me)
40. Should love my friends (all of them without exception, even the weird ones)
41. Should give a patient hearing to my all my ideas however weird they may be.
42. Should be willing to be part of my hare brained enterprises
43. Should manage to surprise me
44. Should manage to scare me (few people can do this… this will be a sure fire way to get my attention)
45. Should be willing to yell at me once in a while (again very few people can yell at me)
46. Should be able to be a bigger nautanki than me
47. Should be able to spend time with me without talking
48. Should be able to understand my moods
49. Should be able to understand how much he means to me without me ever saying it
50. Should be a mix of Chandler and Joey (from Friends), Pierce Brosnan (Remington Steele) and Johnny Depp (Chocolat)

There, are you happy now, I have listed down some of the most important points… will keep on adding on to it but I honestly don’t believe that you can go shopping with this list.

Identity Crisis

I want to be known as a person first and a woman later… is this too much to ask or is this too weird a thought?? I don’t have an answer for this…but this question has been playing on my mind ever since a friend confided in me that he would not have spoken to me if I was not a woman, didn’t have dimples and was not single (needless to say that this friend was a guy).

This left me wondering, do we make friendships on the basis of looks only or does the whole package ever count. I went back to my first friend… Mousumi … I remember how I had met her … I was in Prep class and I didn’t have any friends… I used to hang out with my sister and her friends who were 2 years my seniors. They didn’t want me to tag alone as they were seniors and it didn’t do good to their image to be seen with a Junior… so I had started staying away from them instead of putting my sister in a tight spot of choosing over family and friends (she would have chosen me any day...but I would not have the pity, egoistical that I was even at that age).
Anyways I was having lunch all by myself and looking quite lost (btw the looking lost is a permanent expression on my face… not b’coz I am lost but I am wooden and the childhood expression has stuck) when Mousumi struts along and says hi, and asks me if I want to play hopscotch with her (we used to call it KhitKhit). She was not the first person to ask me to join her in some game, but the way she asked me with that smile and that casual way as if it is something she does everyday at the same time with a desperate look that if I refuse, she will be heartbroken was what caught my attention and I have stuck with her ever since. In those days friendship was not about dimples or single status, it was simple need for a friend. We never analyzed why we liked somebody, we just did. In fact, all the above reasoning that I gave for liking Mousumi was as an afterthought in my adult days….how can you expect a 6 year old to read so much into another persons mind…maybe you can, maybe it’s a 6 year olds intuition, maybe it was divine intervention or just plain luck. I don’t know, but the fact remains that we are still very close friends and share our lives with each other. And it helped that at that age I didn’t differentiate between person and woman.

But coming back to the current identity crisis…am I woman first and then a person or a person first and then a woman. Why was I so offended? In this day and age when size zero is the norm and botox enhanced features is the rage, why would I feel offended when someone compliments me on my look. Am I trying to pretend to be someone else, coz I do appreciate any compliments that come my way.

But at the same time, I would like the other person to notice my other attributes namely my thoughts and ideas about certain issues which have nothing to do with the way I look but may have contributed to the person I am. Does this mean that I owe an apology to the person who dared to befriend me on the basis of my dimples? I don’t know, I honestly don’t.

I do acknowledge the fact that I also have a certain filters when I meet somebody that helps me decide whether I would like to meet that person again and a small percentage of it is based on looks. But I would never say that I cultivated a friendship on the basis of looks only. Is this hypocrisy? Aren’t we all looking for an identity that would define us and bring meaning to our lives, so that we can be all labeled, tagged and put up on shelves for our future generations to ‘identify’ us from the rest of the horde? Well, I rather choose dimpled identity over a labeled tag. Major, I owe you an apology.