Excuses People Make

You have seen ‘Shit people Say’ and it’s many variations on youtube. You also know that this shit people say is actually shit. But here is some shit that you hear everyday.

I will be late today, water problems

Image Courtesy: Google

Stuck in traffic jam, be there in 10

Oh that report, I must have missed it

What mail? I didn’t get any mail

I had done the PPT, somebody deleted it

Sorry can’t make it, have other plans

I am really tired, can't make it

Oh that’s a nice scarf

Give me 2 minutes and I’ll send that mail

I’ll take a quick break and be back
I have an early morning flight 

Oh I saw your sms now

I really want to be with you

We know each other for donkey's years
I loved you in that movie/show/society dance competition

Like

What they really mean?

Image Courtesy: Google

I will be late today, water problems – I just got up

Stuck in traffic jam, be there in 10 – I just got up

Oh that report, I must have missed it – I was facebooking

What mail? I didn’t get any mail – I was facebooking

I had done the PPT, somebody deleted it – I don’t know what PPT this is

I am really tired, can't make it – I rather meet my boyfriend

Oh that’s a nice scarf – I don’t have to mention the hideous shirt

Give me 2 minutes and I’ll send that mail – What mail, what mail?

I’ll take a quick break and be back – wait for me
I have an early morning flight - my morning starts at 11 am

Oh I saw your sms now – I was facebooking

I really want to be with you – but only on SMS

We know each other for donkey's years - can't remember your name
I loved you in that movie/show/society dance competition – I haven’t seen it actually

Like – can’t ignore this

My reaction to this shit? Rolling eyes, angry expression, fuming flaring nostrils? Ah, never mind. 

Voices In My Head

I like people. Sometimes. Other times, I really do not care. But I care about voicing my thoughts about them. Call me judgmental. I don’t care.

I don’t really voice my thoughts to them verbally, I try to express through my blank expression. That must say a million things to them.

Dalhi dude with dole shole, tight V-necked T-shirt - "Nice cleavage" 

Uncleji who just won’t stop talking to his family back in gujjuland – “kem cho?”

The guy who insists on walking at the same pace as me – “I got pepper spray!”

The corporate dude – “At least changes your shoes, don’t want to damage your Oliver Sweeney’s do you?”

The corporate dudette – “Talking work on your phone wont burn the fat”

To the group of Auntyjis walking in a single file – “There are benches, really, you can sit & chat”

To the bunch of college kids – “Keep. To. The. Left”

Couple making out – “    “

MNS guy – “malla marathi maithnahi” (I know he is MNS guy, as he keeps on referring to some Mansa Meeting on the phone”

Page 3 Auntyji in tight track pants & t-shit stretched over extra special love handles – ‘oops, camel feet!”

The grandpa who runs – “how do you do it?”

Obese teen 1– “My grandma walks faster than you”

Obese teen 2 – “you are never going to lose any fat just by doing half a round”

Dad with Kid running amok – “control your kid, I almost tripped over it”

Dude with loud music - 'Can you really hear it when your heart rate is 170 and the blood is pumping in your ears"

Animal lover feeding strays – ‘get some friends’

The stray – ‘bite him, please’

The showoff on the fire poi – ‘ever heard of Entertainment Ke Liye Kuch Bhi Karega?”

The color-coordinated earring, head band, wrist band & hot shots struggling actor – ‘yeah, casting happens on the jogging track!”

The health freak with the bottle of Gatorade – ‘Uff, too much!”

Guy expat with girl expat – “recession, huh?”

Kid on skates – ‘Wonder if I can still do that”

Hot girl jiggling away on the jogging track – “Wear a dark colored t-shirt. And a sports bra”

Maybe I should just whisper these to them. Or write a chit and throw it at them while passing by. Maybe I should change my timing or route. Or just tune out these voices in my head and focus. 

Leaving Mumbai

I always thought it was easy to leave or enter a city. One doesn't need a visa! Starting a life or a new beginning should not be dependent on a geographical location.

I have been living in Mumbai for the past 10 years and although it's not a lot of time to have discovered or familiarized with every nook and corner of the this metropolis, I did manage to find zones where I liked to hang out or identify with. I did make few friends with whom to share my moments with. Although the primary reason of living in Mumbai was not any great love for the culture of the city or the thrill of living in one of the fastest growing cities in India, it was merely the job opportunities.

When I wanted to leave this city which had been my home for the last decade, I realized it wasn't as easy to say bye as it was easy to arrive with dreams in ones eyes and a heart full of optimisim. Over the years I had grown roots in the form of doctors whose replacement had to be found, banks which needed letters of transfers, insurance which needed insane amount of paperwork than the time of purchasing, disposal of furniture, packing of knick-knacks that had been accumulated over the years.

How had a city become such an important part of my routine? The ease of commuting, the local watering hole which welcomed me like a long lost friend, the traffic jams which let me catch up with friends on the phone while waiting for the signal to turn green, the convenience of home delivery of a variety of things, to the impromptu UNO matches to the late night movie fests.

Are these activities exclusive to Mumbai only? can they not be done anywhere else? I guess this is what both the city and me have to discover. Will Mumbai retain its charm over me or will I find a new beginning?

Tips to Prevent Rapes: Government

 For Men

1. Don’t put drugs in women’s drinks
2. When you see a woman walking by herself, leave her alone
3. If you decide to help a woman in distress remember not to rape her
4. Never creep into a woman’s house through an unlocked door/window or sneak up behind her or rape her
5. If you are unable to stop yourself, ask a friend to always be around you and to alert the cops if needed
6. Don’t have sex with anyone who is asleep or unconscious – if it is not consensual its rape
7. If a woman looks at you, get out of her sight. It is not an invitation. You might be tempted later to rape her.
8. Drop all kinky ideas. You can’t justify rape as surprise sex.
9. Find innovative new ways to keep yourselves occupied like reading or community service.
10. Don’t ever eat Chowmein, especially before a date

For Women

1. Don’t step out of the house after dark
2. Actually don’t step out of the house at all
3. Don’t go to parties at locations further than 1 km from your house
4. If you do, then make sure that no men are present in the party or in within 1 km radius of the party destination
5. Don’t ask the cops, watchman, step father, brother, etc for help. They might just rape you instead.
6. Don’t eat Chowmein. Ever
7. Don’t show any skin, even the Burkha’s shouldn’t have eye holes
8. Get married before you attain puberty
9. Actually get married the minute you are born. We don’t acknowledge marital rape as an offense.
10. Don’t get born as a woman

(With inputs from Ayush Mishra)

Do Rapists really Exist?

For Representational purpose only, NOT profiling this person as a typical rapist. Image picked up from google.

1. The constitution doesn’t acknowledge them… as there have hardly been any convictions, so they don’t legally exist in our country.

2. They come in all sizes and shapes – nobody knows how they look like. How will you warn her/anyone against them?

3. They can manifest themselves as friends, family and your friendly neighborhood watchman too … people you are supposed to trust. Just becomes too difficult to explain, right?

4. You cannot provide any do’s and don’ts for your daughter – if you wear only sacks, don’t step out of the house ever, don’t talk to anyone, etc doesn’t hold.

5. There will be no mass movement against rapists in this country… its just not a election worthy issue or more than 2 days media worthy news.

6. There will be no harsh punishment for rapists… as it’s never the fault of the rapist. You must have been ‘asking for it’.

7. As a woman, you are just a statistic while a Rapist is a protected species (by the law/government)