Terrific Thirties

I know it... my thirties will be terrific... As only few hours are left for me to be pushed into the whirlwind of responsibilities... I somehow feel liberated... free and eager...

All things that could have gone wrong with me has gone wrong... but that has not bothered me yet...I see it as a new beginning.

I have resigned from my current job with no offer in hand, I have a family to support, I don't have enough savings, I don't have a place to call my own, I don't have a name which is worth reckoning yet, I do not have a godfather... yet I anticipate that my thirties will be terrific... a far cry from my troublesome twenties...

But was my twenties troublesome?? I had the most amazing time working, studying, travelling, heart break, responsibilities ... it was quite a learning experience... I don't regret it ...infact I had so many new experiences in my twenties that I don't think the thirties will be able to beat that... there were so many firsts...

The moving out from parents, the first kiss ever (ok ok...so I was not exactly twenty...but I was closer to it ...felt as if I was in my twenties rather than in my teens), my first proper job not an odd job (I started earning in my teens), my first joint, first time drinking alone, first relationship, first trip alone, first huge fight to assert my independence, first time realization that I am all alone, first time elation in realising that I am all alone, first time booked for drunken driving, first time tattoo... wow that's some list that I am not ashamed off...

My plan for the thirties??? No plan... just live life ... listen to self...

Well, now that I have some idea what I want in life, I am excited... besides in my mind I was already 35, so the whole idea of entering the thirties doesn't scare me... or bother me...

I know that my thirties are going to be even wilder and unpredictable than my twenties... even though bills have to be paid, responsibilities have to be fulfilled, dreams have to be realized... I am upto it...

Bring it on... I am ready!

Commitment

I did what everybody dreams of ...I quit on Monday... I really had no big reason to quit... but little small reasons... but all these are irrelevant...

During my chat with my Boss, where he asked me the reason for quitting... and we had a long discussion (oh how painful it was... It was similar to a break up with a boyfriend... I could almost predict his responses and the next questions) and we parted ways amicably... but the one phrase that stayed back with from the entire 2 hour conversation is that... " You are not Committed".... I wasn't expecting this... I was expecting something like "you are too arrogant" or "you are not a good leader", or "you cannot take criticism" or "you are not professional", etc ... but where on earth did this commitment thingy come from....

I seriously didnt get what he meant?? I still don't... never got it when my ex-BF had accused me of the same crime... I actually don't understand the meaning of the word commitment...people use it in sentences, and while judging someone .... but what does it mean???

Webster Dictionary Says ---
commitment
One entry found.
Main Entry:
com·mit·ment
Pronunciation:
\kə-ˈmit-mənt\
Function:
noun
1 a: an act of committing to a charge or trust: as (1): a consignment to a penal or mental institution (2): an act of referring a matter to a legislative committee b: mittimus2 a: an agreement or pledge to do something in the future ; especially : an engagement to assume a financial obligation at a future date b: something pledged c: the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled

Since, point (2) a: is not applicable to me... I would like to analyse the rest of the points vis a vis my boss's & exBF's statements....

I. EX BF -- "why can't you commit to me??"

ME -- what do you mean?? I like you, I want to be with you ... is that not enough...what the hell do you mean by commitment... do I need to sign on some dotted line??

Analysis - Lets refer to point 1 a: an act of committing to a charge or trust: as (1): a consignment to a penal or mental institution.

Well, committing to my BF as far as I had tried to understand was to be loyal to him physically while I could go and have an orgy with 20 men in my mind...I was free to ogle as long as I did it discreetly, I was free to lust as long as I didnt lunge at the object of lust. It was not ok that I wanted to play it by the ear in the future vis a vis our relationship, coz I didnt know what the future held but was willing to go through it with an open mind, but that was not acceptable to him. What however was acceptable to him was that I promise now and later go back in my words... aka the great Indian politician...

According to the dictionary, we are supposed to act accordingly to the trust bestowed upon us... hmmm, if there is trust then why this whole commitment word... in this shrinking world, doesn't saving even one word or phrase mean anything?? Needless to say I almost paid a visit to a mental institution.

Coming Back to my Boss's statement...

Boss: - You lack committment

Me: - (with my now famous dumb expression, thinking in my head... this commitment business will never leave me) I didnt get it.

Analysis: Did he mean, continuing to see through a change of philosophy at the drop of a hat without any protest. Isnt the word commitment applicable when the same conditions are applicable... for eg - if I had a piece of chocolate that I was asked to preserve and I had to commit my entire life in trying to preserve it and if I couldn't take care of the chocolate even after investing in a refrigerator to keep it at an optimum temperature...bcoz power cuts played havoc, or bcoz there is a shelf life even to the humble chocolate and it became bad because it was meant to me...would that make me not committed....

When asking somebody to be committed, do we ensure that the rest of the physical, emotional, spiritual temperament remains the same??

I think that the word commitment came into use, when wise men started looking for a scapegoat to wash their hands off. Since, things change, situations change and priorities change, even commitments cease, that doesn't lessen anyones integrity. People decompose after death, even the healthy ones, doesnt mean that they did not take care of their health... all good things come to an end and so does commitment.

Electrika!

Last night as I was juggling calls between my special someone, the accidental intellectual stimulus and the painful adventurous ink... I had the most amazing conversation with all... One touched the forgotten kid, the lost innocence, the childish demands, the flirtatious woman in me and the other the rational, the individual, the spiritual, the vindicted while I was left nursing the pain, the agony, the self doubt all by myself... was I really alive, was I really alone, was I really with someone... Is my cross my own to carry... will there be no one? Do I need someone to show the torch, do I want someone to share my cross?

Unlike earlier times, when these kind of conversations would agitate me to a state similar to electrons revolving around the nucleus when put under extreme conditions of temperature and pressure... this time I was calm... I knew the responses in advance, I almost waited with bated breath to hear the next sentence... to compare mentally if this was what I was expecting to hear... I was not dissapointed.

Its a pity that I cannot reproduce the entire discussion... but the heady feeling of having it all... was not lost on me. I thanked my 'lucky' stars for being in such a situation ... wittingly or unwittingly, it was great fun.

To Be Or Not To Be....

That is the question ...as Shakespeare had very rightly written and Hamlet espoused. When one has formed certain ideas... certain beliefs and held on to certain principles... for sometime now, then when the situation comes... and it does come in ones lifetime, for some it comes sooner than later, the question ceases to be a mere literature specimen meant to inspire and impress... it takes on a very serious persona....and it almost sticks to you like a shadow... there it pops it head and winks at you when you are brushing your teeth... it passes by you on a motorbike turning back and nodding at you at the curve in the road....there it makes eye contact with you for a fleeting moment when you step out of the elevator and then it vanishes... .vanishes for a few days ... then it shows its intense but ugly face when you least expect it...especially when you are happy and gay with friends... it comes as a dampner.... suddenly in the drink one moment, then in the subtle touch of the hottie sitting at the bar next to you... oh... it doesnt go away.... its like gnawing at me through my open wounds... its mocking at me... saying that is this what you spend so much time and energy fighting off everyone... to just give it up in one instant... is this enough... this holding on to your belief for longer than most people but not for ever... if you cant believe in yourself...then who can... then dont go around saying that people let you down... they dont ... you do...

Life is dull these days... it must be if my frenz are reminding me that I haven't posted any thing new after the Pink Chaddi Campaign... its not that there has been no excitement in my life (really !) but that I have been too busy to write anything... I wrote a couple of scripts and was satisfied ... the lazy bum that I am.


Well... I can write about 2 major things that is keeping me occupied these days.. one is Shifu... the other is a space of 8 X 10 --- both are failed projects... so its better not to write about them...


lets delve into random musings... and stray thoughts that keep on filtering through my mind now and then... these thoughts range from the mundane to the metaphysical...


There is this whole phenomenon of 'Arranged Marriages' that is still prevalent in this country... where the families arrange the marriage between their children (correction - children of marriageable age... dont want the human rights commision on my back even if Balika Vadhu is in vogue). There is the ubiquitous panditji or mediator who plays the cupid ...although there is nothing remotely connected to love in these transactions... then the whole family schemes and plots to make the prospective bride and groom meet. The ackward couple meet under supervision and ask funny questions ....


Boy (sweating, wiping off the sweat and gulping down the sherbet and trying to be cool)- so you want to pursue a career?


Girl (nervous-at having to talk to someone who will be the pioneer of her future, scared - of saying something that would put her family name to shame, disgusted-at being treated like a peice of furniture and spoken to condeseedingly) - yes

Boy: Good good, I want a girl who works, double income will allow me to buy that Porsche that I have been eyeing...What are your interests?

Girl: (thinking in her mind ... As if I will let you use my money... I was thinking that I will be finally able to buy those Jimmy Choos without hampering my salon expenses) Interests... the usual... hanging out with friends, watching movies, etc...

Boy: Nice, dont you listen to music... I mean I love rock... I almost played in my college band

Girl: Really?? wow.... I listen to music but I like more of bollywood songs... when I go clubbing with my friends, I like to dance only on Bollywood numbers

Boy: Oh you go clubbing also?? With frenz... must be guys also... hmmm

Girl: what did that hmm mean?? Don't tell me you don't go clubbing... with girls as well

Boy: Oh I do... but those girls are different... I mean those short skirts and those carefree attitude is nice, but not for my wife...

Girl: (Accha saale, you can go have your fun and hang out with those girls but wont marry them) hmmm... well I have a lot of friends and some of them are guys and I love hanging out with them ... after a days hard work, it is kind of relaxing to meet your friends over few drinks and chill.... don't you think so...

Boy (so she drinks as well) yeah... we friends make it a point to catch up for drinks every saturday... I mean one is entitled for such things in the weekend... sometimes we go for a movie and then get together for drinks... what is your favorite movie??

Girl: Oh I like Jab We Met... really nice movie...

Boy: Oh I also liked it... it was very realistically potrayed... do you eat non-veg??

Girl: Only chicken... I like chicken wings that is served at Pop Tates... they really make it ...

Boy: Really... I also like chicken wings... wow we have some common tastes, literally... hehe

Girl: hehe... (and he thinks its funny...well not bad... maybe we can make it work...besides he is good looking and earns decently as well)

.......And so the match is made and the boy and girl get married and fumble through their relationship the first few years and try and be happy accepting the hiccups that come their way, etc... because society expects us to judge a person based on their behaviorial habits and follow its norms. Incase a person questions these norms the taq of eccentric and loose moraled person sticks on especially if she is a woman who knows what she wants.

Sample some common arguments/reason that is given by Parents and friends ....

1. You are running out of time

2. Your biological clock is ticking

3. Why you doing this to your parents

4. What will our relatives and society say

5. There is a time and age for everything

6. You will regret it later

Well the only that I cant understand about arranged marriages is the setup of the boy and girl ...I mean why do they have to meet up??? Its an arranged marriage for crying out loud... which means that parents will arrange it... they will see a family with similar values, a boy or girl with good upbringing and decent education. The job or work in hand and fix the date of the wedding... so why do the guy and girl have to meet and assess each other??? Arranged marriages are the responsibilty of the parents...why do parents want to share the responsibility with the children... why cant they make up their minds about it... is it because they dont know how it marriage is going to turn out... is that why they leave the final decision with the kids... so in that case why dont they leave the entire responsibilty to the kids itself....

well I have no answers.....help somebody.